This guide is for persons that are not wealthy armed super commandos
Practical Zombie Survival tips for people outside of America, who do not have a ready availability of firearms or other Hollywood-inspired tactical weaponry. This guide is for the regular Joe and Beth who populate the majority of our world. It combines the best and simplest tips from Max Brooks' "Zombie Survival Guide" and the SAS Survival Handbook (Public Release version).
The first tip I am going to give you is buy chewing gum and chew it. That shit does wonders for the nerves, gives you the time to refocus your senses and keeps you occupied on stuff other than the Undead giving you the look of La' Muerte. Chewing gum was issued to the troops fighting in the trenches during WWI, these guys were facing mustard gas, bayonets and artillery - arguably a thousand times scarier than the shambling undead. Don't Panic!
You're Bill. But without the Shotgun.
Prevention is better than the cure
The news is geared for sensationalism. The death of a celebrity may grab the front page away, that's just business. However, never forget to read the more obscure news articles. The resurfacing of an old mutating virus or the discovery of a new necromantic virus may be an article run on the back pages, or be featured on a magazine such as the New Scientist. If a Zombie-like virus is ever discovered, you'd know about it (newspaper or not). Such is the blessing of the internet - anything occult or unusual will be spread virally via the internet.
It's up to you on how you filter credible Zombie Virus stories. Of course, you can probably tell I'm trying to say something like, "When you find there is a lead-up to a full blown Zombie disaster, start reacting...". Wrong. Why wait? Start immediately and do so with confidence and calmness. You may have missed news updates, or the virus may just spread overnight. We always assume that we will be the survivors in the scenario - well, if zombie guides have taught me anything, I'm more likely than not to end up a zombie than one of the few fighting them. This guide assumes you will survive the initial outbreak.
I'm Drone #65,849 with no guns - So what?
Compromise with a Crowbar (It's a weapon/tool!). The more multipurpose the item, the more superior. Do not be an idiot and buy a Claymore, Katana or Greatsword. Unless you are trained with it for years and know how to reforge damage sections - you will get killed. Crowbars are readily available, pack a punch - and you can use them as a lever/door-breaker and super tool.
Crowbars are also very durable, as they were built for industrial usage. As with everything, pack a spare of it. Another good idea is also to carry a knife, preferably a durable machete or jungle knife of some sorts. Do not buy stupid Rambo knife replicas, those are meant for conversation pieces, but will fucking fail on you the moment you need it to cut anything worth a damn. Don't buy strictly military issue jungle knives, the military always buys the cheapest to save on costs - a knife made for and by camping enthusiasts will always be the superior choice.
Clean, Wipe and Oil!
Also, for the love of God learn how to maintain your gear. There are a crapload of free guides online on how to sharpen your knives, oil them and clean them. The best weapons crack into uselessness the moment you stop caring for them. Stuff built from a single mold will be the easiest to maintain, the more moving parts they have - the more exponentially difficult to maintain. I should know, I've spent nearly as much money on maintaining/repairing my Paintball Marker (Gun) as much as I did buying it.
You'd think my Paintball marker will be an asset in a Zombie outbreak. You are wrong, the thing will be a deadly liability. Assuming the Undead cannot feel pain, my .67 caliber paintballs won't even faze them (they will be colourful as shit though) - it is also a loud noisemaker, has a ton of heavy-maintenance parts that need constant replacing and another weakness - my rounds are propelled by an 3,000 PSI Compressed Air Tank that depletes after firing 500-600 rounds depending on my fire mode selection. This tank can only be refilled by a huge-as-fuck air compressor available only in factories or paintball fields. This just goes to show that the flashier and more complex - the higher the chance it will fail you!
This guide assumes Zombies cannot run. If they can run, you are megaboned.
Not Entirely Fit - "Rule 1 - Doesn't always have to be Cardio"
(If you can jog at a sustained pace, or are a seasoned marathon runner - much of this will not apply to you. For you guys - Constantly jog moderately and carry isotonic mixtures)
Being a generation of salarymen, slaving away in Hives in front of PCs - we live in an age of extreme stress and information overloads - this also means a generation of lackluster physical fitness. Most of the population is in the same boat. Obviously the less weight you carry in body mass, it will be easier for you. But then again we are not all super commandos trained military-style in physical conditioning. Even the fittest brawler will go down to a mob of zombies.
The advice here is simple: Avoid confrontations. Hide, Sneak and Distract. Dress appropriately, darker and obscure greys will pretty much be unnoticeable over a distance. Fixing up a gray cloak or shroud isn't hard and can be done by any half-decent tailor. Most of the stuff is machine cut and sewn anyway. The cloak can also keep you warm depending on the material. Make sure the length of it is not too long, or else zombies might grab your shit and drag you down.
This may fool zombies, or get you killed.
Hiding and Sneaking is not hard at all, nobody has to be Solid Snake to sneak proficiently. Effective sneaking is done via controlling the softness of your step and knowing where big shadows are cast when you move from point A to point B. Running will actually increase your adrenalin levels and make you lose your calmness of mind, this is because the mitochondria in your cells are going overdrive to keep up with the energy demands. The first step to not panicking is actually THINKING about your waypoints and fallback points.
When I say, "Fallback" - you may think I might be talking in military terms where I take my forward line and run like shit to the second line of friendly shooters (You may choose to run, which is fine - if you are fit enough to do so without hurting yourself). The truth is, you don't have to run - merely push down obstacles as you fall back (depending on time, you may fashion more durable barricades). Just make sure your fallback point gives you alternate routes, do not plan fallbacks that lead to a Deadend (Derp).
So a recap, plan your journeys - Always. Dress appropriately, something which is comfortable for you to move in and gives you a camouflage advantage. Always have a place to fallback to, or failing that - an alternate route and multiple ways you can get to that route. Think outside the box, walk on train tracks, walk inside the sewer system - think of places where people aren't usually allowed. These are the places least likely to be populated by the Undead.
Avoid Fights unless absolutely necessary. You don't fight the Undead - your chance of survival is 100%, you pick fights unnecessarily and your chances of dying/getting infected skyrocket to the same figure.
It's important to have a sense of humour during the chaos. Spout memes and troll the Undead.
What the fuck do I bring with me?
Shit that will LAST. Complex electronics will be first useless pile of crap you don't want weighing you down. Power Stations need constant crewing and maintenance to run and provide electricity. Assume they will shut off eventually, like all utilities. Without recharging, your electronics will be dead weight. Sorry, your iPhones won't do you much good.
Everything listed here is easily obtained legally, and at relatively affordable prices. Better quality, longer lasting stuff will always be more expensive. You'll be thankful to your past-self when your present self is thwacking the skull of an undead with your high-grade crowbar when you see mangled corpse on the ground with a half-broken replica Katana.
Example of a Present-Day Map.
Maps [FREE] - For surrounding area, Places you plan to go and how you wish to get there. Readily available at your local council hall, or you can just print out sections of Google map. Tourist agencies have surprisingly detailed maps in booklets, if you plan to go to places that have nearby tourist haunts (Not a good idea though). Maps will also outline your fallback point, safehouses and known supply stores. Make important notes on maps for reminders.
Waterproof Matches [$3 for 4 Packs] - Prometheus gave fire to man for a reason, to boil water and sanitize it, to cook meat and to set zombies alight with Molotov cocktails. Wouldn't be much of a survival guide without the obvious. Since we're assuming an urban survival setting - there's plenty of chances for you to obtain matches and lighters. Plus there's a fuckload of shit to burn. Be careful though, burning stuff draws unwanted attention to you - during night and day. Keep that in mind.
Notepad [$15] - Bring some pens and pencils. Write shit down. What you saw, Where you went, Stuff you did and the results of them. Revise your findings daily and scribble some thoughts. Writing and expressing yourself will keep your mind from going insane in a truly insane scenario. When you write, you compose yourself and introduce a level of order to your state of mind that no Undead can ever hope to dispel. This notepad will be your tome, your bible and your therapy all in one.
Make an activity of it, maybe a "What did I learn about the Undead and Surviving it today?" daily section. In the chaos of surviving the age of the living dead, you might forget stuff. IMPORTANT stuff. Write it down. Write it down. Write it down.
Another thing, if you do fall to the Hordes - a scavenging bypasser might find your notepad, and you could potentially save his/her life with the knowledge you have been accumulating. You could save one, ten or hundreds of survivors as they replicate your knowledge into some kind of survival encyclopaedia. Surviving the apocalypse is pretty badass, but saving lives even after you've succumbed to Undeath? Jesus, that is so fucking amazing that rainbow dragons should come down from Jupiter to high-five your ass.
ROPE? MORE LIKE RAPE.
Rope [$150 for 60m] - 15-20 feet of strong rope. Tie shit with awesome knots, use it as a brace for something, tie something on it and use it as rotating lasso weapon, use it to tie a backpack around you that has lost the shoulder straps due to wear, wrap it around a vulnerable body part that may be bitten by the undead to protect it, create a makeshift barricade/barrier with it. Rope is fucking overpowered, you can buy them at hardware, marine/boat and camping stores. Good rope is very affordable, present day technology means your readily available ropes are multi-braided and built to handle heavy loads (lower quality ones may stretch a bit when handling heavier loads, so keep that in mind).
One catch - You have to learn how to tie strong knots.
A small round reflective can/Shoe Polish tin [$15] - Use it to store shit (always utilize space, no matter how small), but make sure it's polished and gleaming (can store the polish inside and just use the top cover). You'll need it to signal other survivors that you can see during the day-time. Yelling at the other guy will get you both killed, use the can to shine light at timed intervals and the other person will probably respond in some way or another (perhaps by waving his hand or a small stick with a rag on it). You better pray the idiot doesn't yell out to you in affirmation, if he does - find a motherfucking defendable position/fallback position fast and plan a route to it. That guy just alerted the Horde, and no amount of holding down the right mouse button is going to pull him back up.
Comfortable Boots [$150-$200] - No high heels, sneakers or soccer boots. Multi-terrain boots with good grip and quality materials - readily available at camping stores. Preferably one they use for mountain hiking or rough usage, remember - you want shit built to last. Military-issue combat boots are acceptable, and are readily available at Surplus stores.
Shit just got real.
Weaponry/Tools [$50 for Crowbar] - Crowbar (or equivalent), Optionals: Multitool (Swiss army knife) and a Jungle Knife/Machete. All of which are readily and easily attainable by the common man and woman.
If you have access to weapons - Bolt action rifles (Mosin Nagrant/Springfields/Kar98/Czech Bolt Actions and similar era weapons) or Jungle Carbines (M1 Carbine) only. Preferably weapons with large stopping power and reliable accuracy. Wood stocks are preferred (if all else fails, you can use it to smack the undead down with the butt. Try that with a carbon frame weapon and your gun will snap), choose rifles which have very little moving parts and easy to maintain. NO SHOTGUNS (Limited range, too much kickback and prolonged usage results in injury) OR CHAINSAWS (You are not Ashe or The Bruce).
Example of good dress: Dark colours and neat hugging of the figure to allow for natural movements.
Clothing - Dull and dark colours preferred. Clothing is subjective, whatever allows you to move freely and comfortably. Hooded shroud or cloaks are optional. You want something that will protect you from the elements but not limit your mobility. Include a Pair of Shooting/Archery leather gloves, 3 pairs of durable holeproof socks.
Headwear is optional and also based on personal preference. An Akubra hat isn't a bad choice, or a beanie. Once again, less obvious colours and gradients that mesh with your natural surroundings are absolutely vital for survival.
USMC Tactical Backpacks. Will cling to you like the Black Plague or an Obsessive Ex.
Supply Backpack / Leather Pouches (Combination of Both) [$50 for Backpack] - Filled with ESSENTIALS. Forget change or cash money, nobody's buying or selling anything. Fuck those stupid ATM cards, credit cards or Bonus cards - throw them away! Here's to hoping you blew most of the cash on Survival gear, because that Fixed Deposit or Bond Investment you just opened is now officially useless.
Water is a dead giveaway, Chocolate is a bad choice (sugar high wastes energy). Water and unsalted Peanuts would be a better choice. You want edible stuff that has bite, keeps you filled and that can be kept for long periods of time. Canned goods are also a good choice - Don't forget to ration what you have and stick with it. Imagine being the stupid asshole that survived the initial outbreak only to die from starvation - St. Peter would probably laugh his ass off at you at the Pearly Gates.
Watch the weight, the more you put - the heavier and slower you are. The weight influences your balance and co-ordination and also expends more of your energy as you try to get to the next destination. Be mindful of that.
Keep your shit light n' tight.
Peelz here! Pack some gauze, antiseptics, aspirin and sterile bandages. These are strictly for non-undead wounds. If you are bitten and REALLY want to keep living for a while more, here's what you do - Wrap the wound tightly (but not too tight as to cut the blood flow), keep the wounded limb below the height of your heart, control your breathing to a very slow rate and keep as still as possible.
In case I didn't make it clear already - Shit that will LAST
If you look like this during Outbreak day, you will most likely be the first to die.
General Readiness
Accumulate the shit I just listed above and pack them neatly at a place where you spend most of your time - and is easy to reach in times of emergency. If you spend equal amounts of time at home and at your workplace, why not prepare 2 sets? What's that boy scout saying? Ah yes, "Always Prepared". Plus a person who may have broken into your home for safety during the outbreak may find your "Home Survival Bag" or vice versa, someone at work that day whilst you were at home on leave may find your "Office Survival Bag". Just be wary about what you can and cannot bring to the workplace, even if it's just idle storing for emergencies.
If you really want to keep ahead, I heavily recommend thinking what the best spots are for you to setup a Base Camp/Headquarters and also what spots are good places for you to resupply on fresh water and food supplies. If you are dug in for the long term, I recommend reading up on stuff like how to maintain edged tools, basic farming, building rudimentary water filters, and just visiting your local camping/surplus stores for when they have sales on certain useful Survival items.
This guide can't prepare you for all scenarios, best case is this:
1) You are one of the lucky few survivors of a world-devastating outbreak.
2) You are actually half-way prepared. If you are not, you will have to raid a surplus/camping store and risk getting attacked.
3) The Zombies are the shambling undead that have poor speed and next to no body co-ordination. Not the infected rage virus zombies from the "28 x later" movies (in which case: Firearms, solid physical training and basic hand to hand combat skills are almost a compulsory for survival).
4) You are at home where all your basic essentials and survival tools are present (ie; Your Survival Bag is present and ready to be utilized).
5) Your other fellow survivors that have guns don't shoot you on sight out of paranoia and panic.
A lot of things may go wrong, but if you've read this and feel compelled to prepare for what may or may not come in the future - I am sure you've increased your survival chances by at least a respectable margin (0.01%)
Please note that this guide will not save you for: 2012 Apocalypse, Skynet's Judgment Day, SARS: Return of the Civet AIDS Flu and The Rapture.
I'll see you guys at the next saferoom,
Darkshaunz aka "Shauna"
