Magic the gathering can be a fun game to play with friends. Great way to get together, catch up, flex our decks and play United Nations security council for an evening. I mostly play with Fork, Spoon, Demo and another friend of ours (Apex). Multiplayer magic is great, and it never gets old because we secretly like ganging up on Spoon when he isn't noticing (haha, just kidding, we don't do things like that. Honestly). Anyway, let me tell you about the two types of decks our table usually fields.
Okay, the two types of decks can be categorized into "Jerk" or "Dick" decks. Whoops, let me go slower here. You may be new to magic, so let me explain what the card game entails. Basically you each represent a powerful unicorn warlord from like space. Your job is to find every possible way to bend and break the rules of the cards you are playing. Make it so a good card or cards becomes so horribly overpowered that everyone will hate you and your future spawn. Or alternatively, just be Spoon and/or Apex (then the table hates on you automatically). I know I didn't explain even the basics of magic in the above, but that's because all of the shit like mana costs, rules on how to play and attack phases are just getting in the way of the real reason behind magic - making broken decks.
Where was I? Oh yeah, two types of decks - "Jerk" and "Dick" decks. Now, I had in mind to call the decks "Broken" or "Acceptable", but then I realized that all five of us have built decks for maximum JerDickery anyway. There are however, varying degrees of JerDickery which I may or may not decide to go into later in the entry. Actually, I think I'll just discuss the varying playstyles of each of the players within our UN Security Council (UNSC) table right now.
If Spoon was a card, this would be it, this or Unsummon.
Spoon - Spoon loves playing control decks, "a.k.a Jerk decks". What this means is pretty self-explanatory, it's control. He plays cards like Counterspell and Brain Freeze so that you can't play cards you want. He'll also do shit to make sure creatures you already have out return to your hand (so you get to pay for them again!) and he might even steal your most prized item late-game when he feels like it. Basically, Spoon's signature is, "Oh you wanted to have fun with the deck you made? LOL NO!". Sometimes you feel like you should give your hand to him so he decides which cards are okay to play.
Spoon also fields an artifact deck, "a.k.a BANNED" (more like doesn't field, amirite guise!??!?). We don't talk about it, and if he plays it, the entire table folds. It was exiled to the depths of the ghost dimension along with silly putty and creepy old men.
We don't like Apex's rat deck, or ANY of his decks.
Apex - A good friend of ours, Apex fields both "Jerk" and "Dick" decks. If the table was in the saiyan saga, Apex would always be one saga ahead of us. None of us know where he gets his crazy psycho hard-to-find cards from, but he has them. He also breaks them so that by the time any of us know what hit us, we just lost the game. Like Spoon, Apex ranks high on the threat table as soon as we sit down on the table. They are also a threat to each other, which is awesome because the two of them usually start shooting each other and the rest of us just clean up the mess later. I love this game.
I stole the idea for a merfolk deck from Fork, true story.
Fork - Fork loves playing tribal-synergy decks, "a.k.a Dick decks". Spoon hates these, and actually we all hate each others' decks, as this is what makes things fun in Magic nights. Tribal decks are when certain creature type cards get bonuses from other same creature type cards. An example would be, if an Elf had herpes, other elves you controlled would also have herpes. They would herp each others' derp. Fork however, chooses to play Mermaids because they are less broken and infinitely less lame (they are however, still broken). Fork is typically the player we are all nice to because he isn't Spoon.
We're not nice to him when he plays his dragon deck though.
Damien would be reborn as an elf.
Demo - Relatively "new" to the game, Demo only has one deck. However, his one deck is a "Dick" deck. The reason is simple, he plays Elves. Unfortunately for us though, his Elves don't have herpes, they have golden M-16s and have accelerated sex drives. Demo has the longest turns out of all of us (which in turn is kind of "Dick"ish), 90% of the time we don't know what he is doing, but we can always be certain that it is BAD for us all. After the humanity has become extinct, Demo passes his turn to the next guy.
If I could have 40 ghostly prisons in my deck, I would.
Darkshaunz - At the bottom of the list, I probably constitute the lowest threat out of all of us who play. I field a shin-kicking white weenie deck, "a.k.a Jerk deck". Though it is a jerk deck for different reasons, I do have a lot of cheap cards which can ultimately frustrate a massive attack on my gates (Holy Day/Ethereal Haze) and has heart-attack inducing delay cards like Ghostly Prison which forces my opponents to sacrifice precious mana to attack me. My white deck is by far the most powerful one that I have, and my approach is simple - if I don't hit fast and hard, I will lose. Being the lowest threat also helps, because the table is too busy launching bombs at each other, then again I don't have a broken enough deck to capitalize on the situation.
Nobody loves slivers anymore.
Now, it could be that only a handful of people reading this will understand what the fuck is going on, but then again, just visit the official MTG card site if you are interested in learning the game. I now finish the article with a country representation of the five of us (a'la the UN Security Council). As you know, the United Nations SC consists of five permanent members, United Stated of Americe, Brittania, Vodka Motherland, Kekekeke and We Surrender.
Spoon - America (intent on controlling everything, will intervene when major outbreaks of violence looks to harm interests of democracy, justice and freedom)
Apex - United Kingdom (secretly at odds with America, but plays the helpful ally until the time is ripe to obliterate the world)
Fork - Russian Federation (has a lot of hard-hitting shit by mid-game, but mostly too intoxicated by Vodka to give a shit during the later games)
Demo - China (zergs everything, by the time you realize it, has more elves on the table than I do bags of rice)
Darkshaunz - France (largely ignored by the other major players, possesses intense border control and voted most likely to surrender in the advent of war)
So the next time you play magic with friends, try and spot who is a "Jerk, Dick, or Jerdick" player. Make sure to announce loudly upon identifying the cretin(s). They will appreciate their new deckmaster title, and you will be doing the entire magic community a favour.
It IS as exciting as it sounds!
Tapped and Signed,
**Please note that the the Spoon-hate in this article is vastly exaggerated for comedic effect.