Yesterday, many things happened and I struggled to keep up with it all. I am now writing about it because it was quite interesting, exciting, and mainly because a bunch of people who thought their boss was going to win a contest, got really upset when he didn't. Also, internet Australians lost their collective minds when things were actually happening that they wished happened. Personally, I don't think Australia has a stable government, not with this revolving door policy of politicians. You guys could learn a thing or two from Malaysia about political stability, where the same party has been in power for over half a century, and our longest-serving PM rul-governed us benevolently for over two decades.
Tony Abbott, is a man so widely ridiculed by his own nation that to this day, I actually still wonder how he managed to get voted in. People keep telling me that it's because the alternative was a party that was a clusterfuck of backstabbing and disunity. Okay, fair enough, I suppose. Then yesterday, it turns out that this lot is not any better than the other guys people didn't vote for on purpose. Shit, it must be terrible to be a voter right now, because you guys may now have to vote for other parties not affiliated with the big two. This is a terrifying prospect, and one that I can relate to, because I too have never had to consider voting for another party (and perhaps never will). As a constituent and global citizen, I empathize with all of you. Since I never lived through what has been described to me, "a tremendous idiot running a clown show", I did feel sad for Tony Abbott when he lost his job in the way that he did. No matter how incompetent he was, I am sure he deserves a bit of a hug - because fifty-four stab wounds to the back must have surely caused permanent damage. It's also clear that he achieved important milestones such as stopping the boats - something that is perhaps not so difficult considering that Australia has one of the best, and most advanced surface fleets and aerial maritime surveillance doctrines in the Oceanic region.
Joe Hockey, is (was?) your treasurer, and I watched his brief press conference before "Shit went down in a nondescript room with a ballot box". My impression of him was that he was a very unhappy miserable person. Which is weird, because I saw a picture linked to him on Mumble one night and it was him laughing with a big fat cigar in one hand. I thought he was a bubbly, and wealthy official of the Mad Max lands. If the treasurer could kick back with a cuban in one hand wearing nice shades, then I suppose Australia is doing pretty good financially. This is what we've been told here anyway, so I was puzzled as to why this presently wealthy man in charge of the coffers of the land could appear so destitute and distressed. I later found out that he fumbled the national budget, but in a way that ensured that he could keep smoking cubans whilst hundreds of thousands of Australians remained unemployed, or worked under new arrangements which sucked dicks. Oops. Also a bunch of ministers spoke, and I have no idea who they were - but I knew they were soon going to audition as extras for the next season of The Walking Dead.
Malcolm Turnbull, the man who would become the new Prime Minister of Australia used to be your communications minister. Unfortunately, it would seem that he blundered horribly with the NBN program, but apparently Tony Abbott is so bad that even fucking up the internet wasn't big enough a sin to be punished for. The most striking quality of Malcolm Turnbull to me is that he possesses a great 1930s radio announcer voice, or at the very least - the sort of voice you want commentating the Melbourne Cup. I could listen to him talk about why Fiber To The Node is the superior, faster version of the NBN all day. Underneath that smooth, buttery and eloquent oratory competency, lies a political strategist that is formidable. According to my research (google), he was unseated as the coalition leader by Tony Abbott many moons ago. It must be hard for Malcolm Turnbull to get that taste of metallic iron out of his mouth at the swearing-in ceremony today. Congratulations to the Australian people on your new PM that isn't Tony Abbott - judging from /r/Australia, who must have equivalent of Satan unbound on the mortal realms. However, it does leave the impression that Australia is toppling PMs at a rate slower only when compared to an Ancient Roman gladiatorial contest.
Darkshaunz is Twelve's Senior Political Correspondent. He doesn't even fucking live in Australia, but graduated from the UNSC School for International Relations specializing in wikipedia entries and fridge units on the sidewalk that distribute internet to people's homes. The views presented here are an expert opinion bordering on actual facts and should be cited whenever possible.