Spoon wrote:Yeah what happens if China lands 1 billion people on the shores of Australia? What then?
(Indovasion was very entertaining, thank you)
If China landed 1 billion people on the shores of Australia, it would mean that Australia would have 1 billion dying, dehydrated and very irritated Chinese soldiers to deal with. It will also be even more entertaining than Indovasion. For this particular man-made disaster, I won't even need to look at hardware or strategy, because the result of an invasion of such a magnitude would be a legendary display of natural human processes at such a macro scale.
Just for their first day of hitting the shores of Australia, the Chinese fleet would need 2 billion liters of water....per day, so that their brave Chinese liberators saddled down with fifty pounds of combat assault gear don't drink their own piss on D-Day. I reckon just securing a beach head will probably take at least a week, so they'd need 14 billion liters of water (just for Darwin). Who the fuck knows how they'd get 14 billion liters of water to Australia, but I'm going to guess that the tens of thousands of cargo ships just carrying potable water might feel a bit nervous knowing that they are dangerously close to sinking (on account of having so much water INSIDE the vessel already). The Chinese ships will have to carry so much water, and have to balance the load of liquids so well in their hulls to avoid a tip-over on starboard or port, that they might actually be categorized as submarines at that point.
Okay, so we've solved the dehydration, but we're not even at the cusp of the problem here. The next problem isn't even ammunition, or how to communicate with 1 billion soldiers from different training bases or squads. The next problem is just natural things that occur within a human body. On D-Day +1, the 1 billion Chinese soldiers would have all produced about and shat out 450 million kilograms of excrement, and peed out about 800 million liters of piss. This is on D-Day +1, there's still 6 more days of a literal motherfucking shit storm that is quite rightly pissing down. By D-Day +7, the Chinese beach head would legitimately be covered in fecal matter - about 3 billion kilogram's worth of shit to be exact. At this point, I have very grave concerns for the Chinese soldiers, because at least a few million of them would have been trampled on in a slushy mix of shit, piss and sand - being drowned alive in fecal manner. The rest of the billion-strong detachment would be either suffering from diarrhea, typhoid, cholera or a combination of all three. The millions that have not died from this sanitary Hell would be adding more to the shoreline of shit by blasting more crap from their asses as a result of this disaster. There will be so much shit on the shores of Northern Australia, that the astronauts on the ISS would be able to see this unfold from low orbit.
Once the 1 billion Chinese troops have run out of water, all the fecal excrement from the previous landing days would have been dried out and baked by the sun. This is even more dangerous than the slushy sand, piss and shit mix that they have been drowning in for the past week. Dried out poop is actually really flammable, they now have 2 billion kilograms of poop which is effectively a napalm mixture made entirely out of shit. At this point, the Chinese will have to devote billions of liters of water to keep the dried out towers and lakes of shit moist (so they don't ignite into a firestorm), or use it to hydrate themselves. The Australians, probably sick of the piles of shit on their shores, will literally only need to drop no less than a handful of high-explosive or thermite bombs around the largest concentrations of shit on the shore. This effectively causes an eruption of shitfire that will put Pompeii's decimation to shame. Almost all the remaining Chinese marines will be burnt alive, in the foulest-smelling shit cook-off in recorded history. As a byproduct of the biggest shitfire in history, the flames would be so intense that no rescue or fire-fighting effort could get close enough to the site for weeks.
So that's how Australia beats an invading China, by setting shit on fire (literally).