Below is the post in its entirety. The original post: 'Re: Darkshaunz's Lair of Tentacles'.
Darkshaunz wrote:The Boxing Match of the Millennium
In the past three days, my facebook feed has been inundated by people that have apparently been consumed by the art of pugilism. Pugilistic adventures for the most part, involve two intelligent organisms pummeling each other in the face until somebody wins (nobody wins, in reality). However, this was not a match between pugilist men, it was a fight of titans. If my facebook feed was anything to go by - it would determine the fate of our world. I had nary a time to weep for our world hanging precariously by a thread, with all its intrigue and mysteries being determined by a serial wife-basher and a born-again Christian that is staunchly anti-abortion. It did however, seem completely appropriate that both individuals, noted as being of the order mammalia, were going to make an unholy fucktillion amount of money.
I know some of you couldn't afford the USD$350,000 tickets to see Goku fight against Perfect Cell LIVE. I know some of you couldn't even afford the USD$100 pay-per-view fee to watch it like the hunchbacking husks of humanity, curled violently as you do to crane your body to gaze longingly into the screens of your mobile devices. Rest easy, because I watched it all unfold with my own eyes. I did this using the power of time travel - where I moved my body through the sands of time to land in the future, when the entire fight would be free to watch after the fact.
This guy is basically Balrog from Street Fighter. He is all about the money, and beating women. He is also a part-time boxer, and is known for his technical ability to game a system of fighting that basically makes him Hitmonchan with Agility, Minimize, Mach Punch and Swords Dance. According to my Facebook friends, this guy is basically SATAN and he betrayed God. I think he is also responsible for Ebola, The Black Plague and SARS. Everybody said that he was all about the money and didn't care for much else, and I'm inclined to agree. In a way though, Flerd Merwether is the best representation of 21st century humanity - materialistic, short-sighted, deluded and utterly wasteful (he throws away every trainer he uses just after one session). Nobody wanted him to win, which was very hilarious to me because I knew that if he did win, a veritable shitstorm would be unleashed into the virtual muck we call the internet. Still, any guy that can buy an entire country and instill this much hate is worthy of some of my admiration, because for a weekend, he had everyone by the balls - especially his opponent.
PAC MAN SONIC MARIO ZELDA
On this corner, the underdog rags-to-riches humble Filipino politician who should have stopped boxing already. If you didn't support this guy openly on facebook, twitter or tumblr - I suppose you would have been taken aside to be bashed and humiliated on the streets. Supporting FLERD MERWETHER instead of this God-loving punching guy who had to drink water for weeks for a lack of money is like saying you want to fuck everyone in the face and shit in their mouths. Also, he doesn't believe in abortion, which was awkward for some of his female fans who didn't know that.….but not entirely unsurprising either way! Known for his aggressive style, I don't doubt that Senator Pac Man Sonic Mario Zelda is indeed a fine warrior. Though I might doubt his intelligence as a member of our species. This guy agreed to essentially ever retarded demand that FLERD MERWETHER listed. Apparently this fight was put off for many years because of the two of them not agreeing to the terms. Yes, this makes sense because the completely one-sided terms were dictated by a crazy wife-basher and I suppose God was telling Pac Man Sonic Mario Zelda that the other guy was SATAN.
Merwhether Promotions would get the "Lion's Share" of the earnings from this "fight". Merwheter would also dictate all the terms, including All-MURICAN judges, the venue, the time, and which arms of his opponent he would sacrifice to Ares, the God of War. Nintendo Promotions agreed to all of this bullshit, because 40% of a fucktillion dollars, is still enough money to fund NASA for the next decade.
It started with a lot of yelling, chest thumping and general baboon-like behaviour from both the contenders. The best description I can give: It's like if you showed a pair of alpha-baboons a clip from 300, and then shot syringes filled with testosterone into their eyeballs. Baring their teeth, which is the simian facial expression of territorial dominance, the two circled each other like a marauding pair of vultures - lured by the scent of the dying carcass formerly known as professional boxing. Then came the first punch, from Senator Pac Man Sonic Mario Zelda, this punch was nothing like you've ever seen. By lowering his spine and then twisting his body (just like he would to cut grass for rupees), he created a miniscule vortex punch that actually caused some Tornado chasers in Oklahoma to flinch. Unfortunately, his opponent - Flerd Merwether used this opportunity to go into parallel side of this straight punch and into a hug. Overcome by this sudden display of affection and human understanding, Pac Man Sonic Mario Zelda thanked God, Jesus Christ, Allah and Buddha for converting SATAN into a machine of love and feels. Unfortunately, the referee (also chosen by Merwhether) decided that peace and love in the New World Order as unacceptable and broke them up.
The final leg of the fight was a spurious display of man-love and what is known as "Outboxing". Merwether, an expert "technician", "tactician" and "strategist" inside the boxing ring knew the technical rules of boxing so well that he could just Outsource all of the actual boxing to the three American judges, which he chose. The technique he employed was simple: run the fuck away from the Hylian warrior because this Filipino had the triforce of power. The tactic was also to land sniping-punches with deadly accuracy, taking advantage of his greater reach, imagine a giraffe boxing a rhinocerous. Don't stop imagining that by the way, because it's definitely more impressive and entertaining. His overall strategy though, use the power of love and intimacy to man-hug his way to victory. Apparently Flerd Merwhether was supposed to be docked points for excessive displays of affection to this digital-man-beast hybrid of everyone's beloved video gaming franchises. Ah, whatever. Anyway, the fight ended after twelve rounds (Illuminati Lizard People confirmed) - and the world awaited the heart-racing results of who would win.
Should have surprised nobody, but instead surprised almost everybody. This is the same group of people who decided that in less than 48 hours, they were qualified to comment anything worth a damn about professional boxing. You see, there are actual rules of scoring in boxing, and this made a lot of people upset. It turns out that FLERD MERWETHER had the superior technique and technical knowledge to game the system to his advantage, in a ring where the referees and judges were already being paid in 10 kilo blocks of crack cocaine. Wow, what a surprise that he won! I guess Senator Pac Man Sonic Mario Zelda is now forever a loser, being a millionaire at least 200 times over for essentially getting a free man-hug therapy session for not one, but TWELVE sessions. The two of them are winners, and big ones at that. The losers are the people getting upset about an arrangement where two rich men agree to screw everyone around them to get even richer. Suckers.
Shut the fuck up about the rematch and watch a real televised sport instead, like soccer, basketball or ice hockey.