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Office Drone Hive 2015

Consider Frustoconical Ladders

Spoon
Darkshaunz wrote:
I spent the next 15 minutes talking to one of the managers (also a team leader), and telling her that her squad should probably do a better job with this exercise, because her team was dead last. Unfortunately, this wasn't the sexiest thing to say to a lady, and I got the impression that I shouldn't be standing in Team 3's square anymore.

Nah mate, bitches love that shit.

I would be just as angry as you if after a day of activities I was told 'welp, all the activities you did were basically worthless, its all about this last one'. Get fucked mate.

Your day sure does sound like some full on corporate team building.

I had a work event fairly recently, but it leaned a bit more towards fun than yours. We went indoor rock climbing, which I was surprised to find out I didn't hate. In fact I quite enjoyed it and seemed to be pretty decent at it.

There was a team aspect to it and also a quiz. For each wall your team conquered (at least one person from the team made it to the top), you got a quiz question.

There were 26 walls in total and my team managed to climb every single one of them. We split into two pairs (one climber, one rope holder per wall) so we could get through them quicker. I believe I did 6 walls, my partner did about 2 or 3 before she discovered/decided she couldn't do any more (at which point we'd swap and I'd climb her wall for her). Our third guy did about 5 walls and then our last guy did something like 12, he just beast-moded the entire thing (but he also had a lot more experience than the rest of us who all had none).

When it came to the quiz, I sat down and went through all the questions with my partner. I answered each of them as best I could and then I would hand her the question card and asked what she thought. I don't think she possessed a single thought of her own or managed to give any answer other than a confused shrug for any question.

Beast-mode climber was also useless at the quiz and he literally just said "no, I'm terrible at quizzes" and then didn't even look at a single question. Okay then. Third guy actually had a brain (he was the only other developer on my team) and he managed to get a few of the questions that I couldn't. There was one question where I'd written down two answers as I wasn't sure which one was correct (they were very similar with one word changed in an acronym we had to define), I told [guy with brain] to pick which one he thought was correct. I went to get a drink of water and the organiser called for people to hand their sheets to the next team for marking. Welp, we got ours back and of course we got that question wrong because there were still two answers written there and neither were crossed out (the one I was leaning towards was the correct answer).

We finished one point below the winners. Son of a bitch.
Darkshaunz
Everyone is familiar with Chinese NASA guy, but we have a new person that overlooks our IT infrastructure I call "The Boulder". I call him that because he's a huge guy that looks like he could break everyone in my department in half, and he probably could. He was the guy I tripped on during the team building exercise (see previous page), and it felt like slamming against a jagged ridge. The Boulder is notable for a variety of different things, namely his ideas about survival in hypothetical scenarios involving the fall of mankind.

I presented the scenario and allowed the lunchtime gang to choose four items to choose for survival in the wilderness. After some coaxing, some answers came in: Guns, knives, matches and backpacks. As a service, I graded their four items in terms of their survival rating and gave them their estimated time before they got killed terribly, or died from other causes. The Boulder was the last guy to answer, and the four items he chose were as follows:

  • A huge ladder.
  • A pack of cigarettes.
  • A lighter for the cigarettes.
  • A fourth item was not chosen.

The table lit up in chuckles and head-shaking. I looked dead straight into him, and he glanced back with a rather determined disposition. The guy was completely serious, and initially, I didn't know what to say. There was a pre-emptive breath that I sucked in quickly, with my mouth slightly open - as if to say something to mock or jest, and yet nothing left my mouth at that instant. So I said the only thing on my mind, "What's with the ladder?".

The Boulder gave me a cursory nod, and explained the significance of the ladder. Basically, he said that in order to escape the zombies in the apocalypse (I never mentioned zombies in my scenario), he would need a weapon. He told me that the guys who chose the guns would run out of ammo anyway, and that the guys with knives would be too close to zombies and get bit. Which were all fantastic points, if my scenario had anything remotely to do with zombies (it didn't). Looking proudly, he exclaimed to me:

"Ladders do not require any bullets. I can use it like a huge stick that keeps away the zombies!".

I smooshed my face together, as if to imitate a pufferfish that was greatly irritated by a disturbance in the waters. I found myself very much tickled by the explanation, but staved off laughter by bulging my eyeballs and rotating my palms into my cheeks like some sort of maddened Jigglypuff. He wasn't done yet, he went on to explain that the ladder served not just as a weapon, but as a platform in which to climb onto (A LADDER). His plan was to run into the woods with a huge-ass ladder-weapon with infinite ammo, climb onto a really tall tree and then have a smoke. I asked him why he would want to do this, and he gleefully replied, "What? everyone knows zombies can't climb stuff". Thinking beyond this very poorly thought out survival strategy, I asked him what he'd do if zombies could climb ladders.

This was apparently the wrong question, because according to The Boulder, zombies won't be able to see him hiding in the trees. Suffice it to say, I felt like he was listening to an entirely different conversation this entire time. So remember, consider a ladder when shit hits the fan.
Spoon
Wow, I remember this thread.

Ladders have just climbed to the top of my survival list, thanks for the tip Shaun.

Today is my last day in the Dubai office before I head back to Perth early tomorrow morning.

It has been roughly 2 months I've been out of Australia this time (spending time in Ukraine and UAE). I definitely enjoy travel and have experience new and interesting things from different cultures each time I visit one of these locations (even if it is a business trip).

Seems as part of my new role, I may need to visit all four of our offices every 12 months to do security audits, which mean's I might be adding Philippines to my circuit also.

While I was here in Dubai I even had to install a server into the rack here since no one from this office (accounts and HR) seems to have any idea about computers and our CTO seems to trust me a lot more than the IT guy they have on call here (even though I've never installed a server before). I guess my list of roles just keeps on growing.

In my latest email to our COO I added in my new roles as part of my signature:

Regards,

Luke D.
Lead Developer | Senior Manager | Information Security Officer | Part-time Systems Administrator


It'll be interesting to be back in Perth again and I imagine I'll have a bunch of people to catch up with.
Fork
I can see a ladder being quite useful in the [zombie or non zombie] apocalypse, provided you had planned for it.

If you had a hidden treehouse on the outskirts of town ready and stocked, it would make a pretty sweet place to hold up in for the initial wave of mayhem.

Boulder seems like a complete retard, though.
Darkshaunz
Hanlol wrote:
If I could take 4 things. I would bring:

Super yeast
Buckets
Sugar
Siphon


Hopefully I'd be on an island with a few good books.


As a service:

You have chosen super yeast, buckets, sugar and a siphon. I suspect that you're preparing for New Year's Eve with some home-made alcohol. Assuming you can find a clean source of water, you'd need to partition quite a bit of water to produce the amount of alcohol required to watch fireworks which are definitely not coming in the year Apocalypse +1. Buckets are generally useful things, because you can store water and other things in them. You may also use them as something to trap some scary fucking insect that might come close to your abode. Sugar is okay, you can dissolve it to give you some sugar water - which is about as useful as it sounds. Some insects may be attracted to sugar, so unless you store it properly - your sugar stores will be raided by the crawlies. But let's get real here, the sugar won't be raided by the crawlies - because it'll presumably be added to an airtight bucket known as "Han's post-apoc alcohol maker".

Alcohol itself is kind of useful as a disinfectant, and you can use a Siphon for collecting other viscous things (that isn't alcohol) when you realize that being drunk on a deserted island may not be a good use of limited fresh water supplies. Overall I'd say your chances of survival are pretty low, probably less than seven days. Being on a deserted island is almost a death sentence, mainly because you're constantly surrounded by water that you can't drink. I haven't seen anything resembling Bucket Fishing myself, but you may be compelled to attempt this insane act of starvation-prevention because you're high on alcomohol.

Plus side: It's the apocalypse and you still managed to ferment your own alcohol, on a deserted island. Worth.
Fun
If I was stranded on a desert island I'd just take Shaun.

I feel like he'd bring the appropriate things.

and he'd be delicious
Hanlol
No No Shaunz. If all the people who survive get to chose 4 items, there's a high chance none of them will think to make alcohol. People will travel far and wide to reach Han's Super Distillery! I will trade it for guns, food and fresh water. Then I will start adding in a secret ingredient which will be human flesh. This will somehow scientifically result in zombies and I will OWN THE WORLD.

The end.
Darkshaunz
Fun wrote:
If I was stranded on a desert island I'd just take Shaun.

I feel like he'd bring the appropriate things.

and he'd be delicious


As a service:

You have chosen me. This is admittedly quite a bothersome choice, because I have my own things to bring and didn't consider that I'd be the one being brought by someone else. Assuming that I'm not allowed to bring anything else, because I'm considered to be an item choice (my basic human rights notwithstanding), I'd count as your survival item. All I can say is, that was a remarkably poor decision on your part, and an even poorer decision on mine for not including a clause that would have avoided this very annoying and perilous situation. Seeing as you only brought me and not three other items, I'm only of use to you for about three or so days before I dehydrate and then expire - hating you for every minute of it. In those three days, I suppose you could lament the horrible decision you've made and send me out to clear mines for you, or something (because there are minefields now, and somehow the both of us are in 1950s Cambodia). If you fear that you might forget this terrible choice, I assure you that I will be there to remind you constantly about it (as a service).

All in all, I have about 100,000 calories if you decide to consume my organs. Doesn't solve the dehydration problem on your part - or on the part of my body. By the time I've been cut up into edible portions, you'd have no place to store the flesh and I'd go bad really quickly. Other usefulness about my flesh may include using it as a lure to bait carrion feeders (monitor lizards, some birds and small predators) and then eat them instead. I think the most useful thing is to cut off my arm, cure and dry it - and then use it as some of bizarre shamanistic juju back scratcher. This is plausible because consuming my Asian blood and entrails would have driven you to at least partial madness, when coupled with I must assume - some guilt on your part for causing my death. I'd rate your survival to be barely better than mine, definitely less than seven days.

Plus side: You can make a joke like, "I had Chinese food last night" to yourself, and all of your alter egos would erupt into laughter.
Hunterbob
thorment wrote:
*chuckle*

Has a 14 year old girl hijacked your account?

I'd take practical stuff like a sharp wood chopping axe, 30m of rope, a good warmth rating sleeping bag and a sturdy medium/large backpack.
thorment
Hunterbob wrote:
thorment wrote:
*chuckle*

Has a 14 year old girl hijacked your account?

I'd take practical stuff like a sharp wood chopping axe, 30m of rope, a good warmth rating sleeping bag and a sturdy medium/large backpack.


You're horribly sexist.

I'd bring a spread spectrum radio, solar charger, a knife and a bag of ducktape.
Hunterbob
thorment wrote:
Hunterbob wrote:
thorment wrote:
*chuckle*

Has a 14 year old girl hijacked your account?

I'd take practical stuff like a sharp wood chopping axe, 30m of rope, a good warmth rating sleeping bag and a sturdy medium/large backpack.


You're horribly sexist.

I'd bring a spread spectrum radio, solar charger, a knife and a bag of ducktape.

Well we'd be pretty well equipped stranded together ...provided we didn't go crazy and try eat each other.
hekate
This is the best episode of Doomsday Preppers ever.
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